So long old friend

It's been a long time since I had a day that was so emotional. Part of it is because my wife is out of town on business. While she's out kicking it in the Bahamas I've been here taking care of the boys, wandering around aimlessly, and trying to get to sleep.

I always experience this emotional nostalgia when the wife is out of town. I can't fall asleep, so I find myself reliving old memories and watching something on T.V. at 2 a.m. Daydreams and flips through photo albums take me back to times in my life that keep me company. The downside to that particular form of company is the insomnia.

The thing is, I just can't fall asleep when she's not sleeping next to me. We are not one of those couples that goes to bed at different times. We both turn in around the same time each night -- talk for a while, sometimes make love -- but we always nod off together, feet touching. I've had that warm comfortable presence next to me for close to fifteen years. When she is absent it's like a part of me, the part that lets me drift off, went in the suitcase with her.

Which brings me to today and the other part of this emotional turmoil. Today was the final episode of NYPD Blue. I popped some popcorn, TIVO'd the show, and waited for the kids to fall asleep so the experience would be without any interruptions. I was crying before they got through the opening credits.

The series has been outstanding since it's inception in September 1993, and tonight's episode was no different. It tied things up and sent off it's characters with class and dignity while still telling a good story and solving a mystery. But the quality of the show is not what made me such a wreck or why NYPD Blue was so important to me. No, it was much deeper than that.

You see television shows -- the good ones I'm talking about here, the ones that have substance and longevity -- are like frames for the chapters of our lives. They serve as signposts for us to anchor our memories, a way to see how far we've come and remember where we've been.

I think that's why people develop such attachments to television shows. When a show ends it is more than the finale of a particular entertainment we have shared. It's like putting a picture in a frame and setting it to the wall. The show becomes a fixed piece of history of a special time in our lives when we had successes, failures, joys, and disappointments. With that ending though comes the realization that, in a way, we have framed up another piece of our lives, a piece that we have to let go and relinquish to the past.

So you want to know what I was doing in September of 1993, when NYPD Blue first premiered? I'll tell you dear friend. I was unpacking boxes with Shannon in a shitty apartment in Glendale, Calif. two weeks after we had drove out to Los Angeles searching for our dreams. I had nothing but optimism in my head and the City of Lights in my sights. I was going to be a famous actor, a writer of some respect. It was all mine for the taking.

Since then, I spent eight years in L.A. pursuing that dream, married the cute girl who helped me unpack those boxes, had two boys, gave up my dream, became a man, and went back to school. During that entire time, Det. Andy Sipowiczs and all the good people at the 15th squad have been there with weekly visits, fine entertainment, and good company. It's been a bumpy ride for both of us, but wonderful all the same.

So, perhaps you can see why the emotions have come fast and furious today. Up until today, because of NYPD Blue, that chapter in my life -- the chapter that has been the most fruitful and poignant has been ongoing. However, with the final episode of NYPD Blue, the frame of that chapter has been set. Those days are over.

Turn the page.

New chapter.


So long old friend